One of the worst feelings in the world is scrutiny. There is nothing worse than being sized up by someone else who has the power to determine your fate. I compare it to a job interview. You sweat profusely, thinking how badly you have to pee. In the end, you walk away, feeling like a criminal wondering if they will call you in a few days. Will your financial future ever exceed that of $10.23 an hour?

I hate to tell you this, but meeting the parents is worse. You put on your best clothes (the ones that don’t make you look fat or lazy). Then you spritz yourself with way too much cologne and hope if you start sweating it will cover the smell. You tell yourself you’re going to be whatever political affiliation they are for the night. All the sudden, manners you never knew existed, rise to the surface and you’re wondering at what time did you learn to say please an thank you? You brush up on hit songs by James Taylor and Tony Bennett just so you’ll have back up conversation should you find yourself in the hot seat. But you won’t get around to it, because they’ll be too busy asking you questions to determine if you are a good catch for their precious little girl.

You considered stopping by Humbertos Taco stand for a Corona but were too afraid you’d need to use their guest bathroom the minute you walked through the door. Luckily you have your girlfriend. She’ll protect you. Wrong. She’s going to size you up right along with mom. She’s watching her parent’s reaction wondering if she’s made the right decision to bring you home, instead of Barry the car salesman who attends church regularly.

Ladies, do you think your Prince Charming is going to keep you safe from the future monster -n-law? Nope. Until you marry him, mommy is the main lady in his life and he’s just going to be worried about his parents saying something that will make him look stupid. Actually, let’s be real, mommy is going to be the main lady in his life for awhile so you better get that figured out straight away. This is a lonely road you travel, well, alone. No amount of training can truly prepare you for these moments. One time my dad (quietest man on earth) offered a guy I knew from college the opportunity to marry me in exchange for some cows in the backyard. I shrugged not knowing my dad could be that outgoing. Also after assessing the situation its important to point out, we don’t even own livestock, they were just trying to get ride of me. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. And let me tell you, nothing is more “attractive” than desperation. Amirite?

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